“Let’s just see where this goes” is a line that I am all too familiar with. Whether someone was feeding it to me or I was the one doing the feeding, the end result was never good. Let’s just see where this goes is just a really nice way to say: I’m not completely sold on you yet, but I want to keep you around because you’re meeting some type of need for me at the moment (more on that in a minute). Even if the actual words aren’t uttered, you know you’re in a “let’s just see where this goes” type of situationship if intentions have not yet been made clear that the two of you are in an exclusive relationship.
Sadly, “it’s complicated” is so many people’s relationship status right now. In each individual situation, the beginning and middle may be a little different, but the ending always ends up the same: in heartbreak. I have seen too many broken hearts, bruised egos and unmet expectations simply because a conversation was never had communicating the intentions of each party in the relationship with corresponding action. And in many cases, even if someone has made it clear with their words that they don’t want a relationship, the little rendezvous continues because let’s face it, in the back of our mind we always think that we can change their mind and to be honest we like the attention that we’re getting from them at the moment.
In the past I myself have let months go by doing things with guys that would make me think we were a couple only to find out that we were “just friends” when their actions confused me into believing otherwise. Up until recently I used to put most, if not all of the blame on the male for not living up to my expectations of what a man is supposed to be. You know how we like to do. “A man is supposed to lead and be the head” and so we trust that he would lead us both in the right direction.” When the reality is if two people aren’t married nobody is the head of no one and each person is responsible for the protection of their own heart. I came to realize that I was just as much if not more responsible for any of the confusion and heartbreak that resulted as a consequence of me just going with the flow in those situations. What I discovered is this powerful truth: No one can protect me except for me (with the help of God of course). I owed it to myself to be diligent in vetting possible love interests, keeping my head on straight, and not allowing someone to just string me along. And I could not expect another individual to do that for me. I cannot put that type of power and influence over my life into someone else’s hands, especially someone who had not even professed devotion and real solid intentions toward me. The reason this was such an important discovery is because I used to think well “he is the one who should have known better than to do this with me and say that to me if he had no intentions of us ever being together.” But what did I expect? That he was not going to look out for his own needs? Whatever those needs may be. He owes me nothing. Which brings me back to my earlier comment. “I’m not completely sold on you yet, but I want to keep you around because you’re meeting some type of need for me right now.” Well, what type of need? Many times people will think it’s a sexual need, but in many cases the woman may not even have a sexual relationship with that man. Here’s the thing: A lot of times it is out of the man’s selfishness that he keeps women strung along because of these little voids being filled.. These voids and needs include but are not limited to:
Companionship: he needs someone to hang out with and enjoys your company
Emotional: he connects with you on an emotional level and feels he is able to open up to you in some ways or he has some sort of attachment to you such as history, a child, etc.
Ego: he likes what you do for his ego. You celebrate him. He knows he can always count on you to be there, or he likes the admiration that he receives from people when he takes you out in public
Time killer: he knows that you’re always going to be there so he texts, calls or wants to hang out with you out of the blue most of the time when he has little or no other options. He likes to keep you in his back pocket. It’s mostly a relationship out of convenience
Sexual: you’re filling some type of sexual desire even if the two of you have never even gone all the way
*It could also be any combination of two or more of these things
The reality is, until a person knows better, they can’t do any better. And head knowledge is not enough. I’m sure most men know in theory that doing certain things will cause a woman to get the wrong idea but they may not have gotten any real revelation on it just yet- the light bulb has not come on for them. Just like in theory we as women know that we shouldn't just be going with the flow without a man making his intentions clear but we go with it for some of the same reasons that the man goes with it either because 1. We’re selfish and we too are getting some of the same needs met as the man (the only difference is most times we think he will realize what he has and lock us down) 2. We haven’t really received real revelation of the consequences of our actions (even if we have experienced them over and over again.) or 3. We’ve settled for it and have come to terms that we’d rather have this than nothing at all.
So how do we avoid all of this? Well, as much as men hate it sometimes the “What are we” conversations are necessary. If after the first few encounters, he has not at least made his intentions for you clear, then it is a conversation that must be had. You will never know where you are going if someone does not say it. Does that mean that you have to rush off and get engaged the same year? Of course not, but it does mean that you don’t have to go out with someone a thousand times before he at least knows whether or not he wants to date you exclusively and begin courting you. It’s not rocket science. Either he does or he doesn’t. We’re the ones who tend to make it complicated.
Many times men are afraid that they’re going to miss out on something better or that they’re not completely sold on a particular woman just yet, and if that’s the case then one must let them go. You should never have to convince someone of your worth; the right person will be able to recognize it, and he will CHOOSE you. The man God has for you will choose you out of a sea of billions of other women. Pretty women, smart women, funny women, women with careers, women that go to his church, women that live in his city, all types of women. He will look past all of them, and only see you. I know because I’ve experienced both sides. I know what it’s like to be an option that someone just picked up when it was convenient for them, and I know what it’s like to be chosen and to have a man not let any obstacle get in his way to choose me and prove it to me over and over again. You deserve to be chosen sis. You’re no one’s seat filler. You’re no one’s option on a menu, you’re the appetizer, main course and the cherry on top of the desert. So love yourself enough to walk away from any situation that is not headed in the direction of your true heart’s desire, and make room for the person who will.
Still Hidden in Him,