One day, I had an ex call me several months after breaking up with me. If there was any guy who had ever broken my heart, it would be him. Yet here he was calling my phone to “check on me” after breaking up with me just months prior. The sting of the break up wasn’t so bad anymore however, so I entertained his conversation and chatted for just a few minutes. Towards the end of the conversation he hit me with a very poignant question: “What have you learned,” he asked. What I have I learned? WHAT HAVE I LEARNED? Dude, you courted me for months, and sold me dreams about our future together. You made me fall for you only to break up with me in the end, and you have the audacity to ask ME what have I learned? Where they do that at??? That’s what I wanted to say, but I didn’t. I knew exactly what he was asking me. Behind those four words were much more substance than the novice Rita would have even realized, but the much more mature Rita of that time knew and understood the depth of that question. So as much as I wanted to roll my eyes and turn the question on him, I started to run down the list of things I had learned over the past several months. I didn’t even necessarily seek to learn these things, but somewhere in the process of healing came a lot of prayer which begot introspection which begot wisdom which begot total healing and restoration. What he was trying to figure out is if I had grown any during our time apart. Did I realize and recognize my mistakes and shortcoming in the relationship or was I still going to blame the break-up completely on him because he’s the one that pulled the proverbial plug on the relationship?
I clearly recall being in relationships thinking that the person I was in a relationship with was so blessed to have me as their boo, but now that I look back with fresh eyes I’m seriously trying to figure out what is it that I was really bringing to the table? That is besides what any other nice looking, relatively intellectual woman could bring? I mean don’t get me wrong. I am well educated, I know how to hold a good conversation, and I’m a great listener among other things but so is millions of other women. At the end of the day what made me think that I was capable of being someone’s wife? The truth is that back then I didn’t know the first thing about being someone’s wife, yet here I was coveting the title. At some point you have to have an honest conversation with yourself and analyze what exactly are you bringing to the table. A marriage is a partnership and like any partnership, it is only as strong as its weakest member. You must think about what you have to offer to another person and superficial things won’t cut it. Many times as women we have an entire list of things we want in a man. We want him to have some class about himself but at the same time have a little edge. We want him to be funny, mature, honest, faithful, and have a good career. We want him to be tall, charismatic, have a six pack and all this other stuff we throw out there yet we are nowhere near those things ourselves. Think about your “list” for a second. As you go through your mental checklist, one by one ask yourself if you have that “thing” yourself whatever “it” is. For example, I want my husband to have good credit, well do you have good credit? I want my man to be in shape. Are you in shape? I want my man to be strong in the Word. Are you strong in the Word? I want my man to pray every morning before he gets his day started. Do you pray every morning before you start your day? Do you see where I’m going here? It is unfair for us to demand something from someone else that we are not yet walking in ourselves.
Proverbs 18:22 states: He who finds a wife, finds a GOOD THING and obtains favor from the Lord. Notice that it says he who finds A WIFE. It does not say he who finds a girlfriend, boo, bae, side chick or even woman but he who finds a WIFE which leads me to believe that that is the state in which he finds her in, not something that she magically becomes when he puts a ring on her finger the day of their wedding. Instead, I would submit to you that being a wife is a posture of the heart and is manifested in your actions before you even say I do. (Disclaimer: You are not married if you have not legally been joined together with your spouse and made a covenant before God so don’t be out here doing married folks stuff if you haven’t taken those steps mmkay. Clarity.) Anywho, I have put together a checklist of SOME things you may want to ask yourself if you desire to be a godly wife. Now is the time to prepare. Now is the time to carry yourself as such. Titus 2:5 gives us guidelines for a godly wife stating this: to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.I now realize that many of the things mentioned here in Titus are things that God was cultivating in me before I was able to say that I was ready to be someone’s wife. I hope that this list gets the wheels spinning in your head and leads to introspection. I'm only including numbers 1 & 2 because it can get a bit lengthy and will include the remainder in a later post. Here goes....
1. Are you submissive? Submission is one of those words that many women don’t really like to hear. When they hear submission they think weak, less than, subservient and the like but that is not what submission is all about. There is actually a beautiful freedom that comes with submitting to a real man of God. As women we have been programmed for so long to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders, try to be strong for everyone, and develop a thick skin. However, a man is the one who is made to carry that mantle and lead; he was built for it. I am not going to sit here and go in depth about submission because it is a very weighty topic and would need to be a separate blog post, but just know that in a marriage, the two people are actually submitted one to another (Ephesians 5:21) but the man is the head of the woman and Christ is the head of him (Ephesians 5:23). There is a reason God has this divine order. There is a covering and a safety attached to this set up. Will submission be easy? Not always. Especially if you are Type A personality like myself. In fact, it’s not really submission if you don’t disagree with the other person. Submission says I will do it your way because I honor and respect you and God’s way of doing things. The good news is that even if the man gets it wrong or misses it, you are still covered and protected by God Almighty because you were in the right ORDER if you listened and submitted to your man. No man wants a quarrelsome, rebellious, nagging wife. Proverbs 27:15 says that a quarrelsome wife is as annoying as a constant dripping on a rainy day. Ouch. Don’t be that woman. You want to make the atmosphere of your home one of peace that your man looks forward to coming home to at the end of the day, not one that he avoids and looks to other people, places and things to seek solace.
2. Are you domestic? Ok let me stop trying to be all politically correct. Girl can you cook and clean and keep up a home? Yes I know this is 2017 and women are good for way more than doing things in the home and times have changed etc. etc. Listen, don’t no man want no woman who does not keep a clean house and does not know how to cook a decent meal (yes, I understand that may not be grammatically correct but I needed to say it just like that to get my point across). I am not saying that you have to be Suzy Homemaker or Martha Stewart but you must realize that as a woman and the keeper of the house (according to scripture) you are responsible for making sure your home is in order. I don’t care how much a man tries to convince you otherwise, trust me he cares. Learn that stuff now. Again, this is not something that you want to just start exploring once you say I do. Instead, practice while you are still single. Be diligent about keeping your house clean and not letting things pile up before you decide to tidy up. Learn how to cook a few decent meals and have some staple recipes that you can pull out in a clutch. There are too many tools at your disposal for you to not even know how to boil water: Pinterest, those Tasty Facebook videos, YouTube, and those meal delivery services such as Hello Fresh just to name a few. Now is the time to begin molding yourself into that Proverbs 31 woman we all love to quote.
I will give you all a few days to digest that (plus I know if it gets too long I lose some of you LOL) So I will be posting the rest of the questions later this week.
Still Hidden in Him,