I often see people posting beautiful pictures flaunting the love of their life or a beautiful ring announcing their recent engagement and naturally I’m gawking because let’s face it, I love LOVE, I mean who doesn’t right? But sometimes, scratch that, MANY times I get to the caption and I cringe because it goes a little something like this: In exactly 123 days I get to marry my other half (insert all the other lovey-dovey emotional rhetoric). I cringe a little inside because I am a little wary of what that particular phrase implies. To say that you are marrying your other half implies that the both of you are not already 2 whole beings independent of one another, and being whole is something that you absolutely want to be before you get married. Will you be a perfect human upon entering into a marriage? Yeah...NO. However, it would be wise for you to put yourself in the best position possible in order to have the healthiest marriage possible and avoid unnecessary turmoil.
Marriage is two completely different people coming together as one. These two people have lived entire lives before getting together. They have been through real life situations.They have real life issues, and many are carrying real life baggage. Listen, Erykah Badu was onto something when she told ya’ll to pack light. You want to leave as much baggage behind and let God heal you from some things that have taken root in your heart as a result of well…..life. Life can be straight up hard sometimes, and if we are not careful to take the time to heal from certain things we will just continue to live our lives, putting a band-aid over the scars of our heart, and carrying on like nothing ever happened and eventually you will just blow up and wonder where it all came from. Stop taking all that junk from relationship to relationship. Getting a man will not just make it all go away and you will not just live happily ever after. You never want to go into a relationship expecting that person to be your god. Men make terrible gods; they will disappoint you many times. You will find that once you get married, any and every issue that you never dealt with will begin to surface and you will be forced to deal with it. I like to think of it as a magnifying glass. Every single thing will be magnified to the 100th degree and then you will have no choice but to face your own demons. So the next few posts that I write will speak to that. They will (hopefully) help you to heal in some areas you may not have even realized you needed healing in and help you begin your journey to wholeness IF you are indeed open.
If you are in the minority in that you have never experienced heartbreak in the form of a breakup, kudos to you, this post is not for you, but if you, like the majority of us have experienced some sort of heartbreak or breakup before then just keep reading. I have a feeling some of you will be freed.
I mentioned in a previous post a guy who broke up with me after seriously courting me for several months. Now, that was not a very long time in fact, I was in a relationship for almost a decade in my B.C. life, but this was the first “real Christian” guy I dated once I got saved. What was so different about this relationship is that I gave myself permission to really open myself up to love this guy like for real for real. What do I mean by that? You know how we do sometimes. We like to say that we are open to love, but most of the time we are still keeping some sort of guard up even if it’s just a teeny tiny bit because you know, we don’t want to get hurt so we can’t let all of our guard ALL the way down. (Insert thug life pose). Well I was becoming a new creature in Christ at that time and although still a babe in Christ, my mind was being renewed in the Word (Romans 12:2). So I made up in my mind that I was going to allow myself to love this man and allow this man to love me no holds barred. Well I guess we all know how that ended; he broke up with me for reasons that I can’t really remember that no longer even matter. At the time though, I was devastated. Like can’t eat, can’t sleep, deep, dark depressed devastated. Now mind you the Holy Spirit warned me SEVERAL times before that I should not continue dating this young man through His still small voice, the disruption of my peace, and eventually dreams, and I still did not listen ya’ll. But guess what? That’s ok. God is SO full of mercy. Even though this heartbreak was technically my fault and could have been avoided had I just listened, God STILL wanted to heal me. He is a good good Father. You may be beating yourself up or feeling like God is mad at you and you deserve what you got but that is the farthest thing from the truth. The FIRST thing some of you need to do is ALLOW yourself to heal, meaning give yourself permission to be completely and totally healed by God Himself. Think about this: if you had a child and maybe they ended up falling and getting hurt while they were outside playing after you told them not to go outside and play but they went anyway, would you leave your hurting, bleeding child out in the street to teach them a lesson or would you stop everything you’re doing to tend to them and get them whole again? Hopefully you would do the latter. So how much more do you think your Father in heaven wants to heal you EVEN if it was your fault, even if you went astray.
Now that you have made up in your mind that you are worthy of healing let’s get down to the nitty gritty. Like I said, I was devastated after the breakup. Just months prior, the world and my future seemed so bright, now as I was walking around, all I was seeing was gray. It literally felt like someone had punched me in the stomach hard. So how did I get over it? Well, first I did not jump into another relationship right away. As a matter of fact, the very next person I would end up being in a relationship with is my now husband, a little over 2 years later. DO NOT go the rebound route. Jumping into a relationship with another person right away will not make you feel better. You may think it will make you happy, but it won’t. It will probably just make you feel empty all over again. Many times, we’re immediately jumping into the next relationship because we just don’t want to deal with the pain of it all and sometimes we’re just trying to make the previous guy jealous. Let me let you in on a secret. Promise not to get offended. OK...here goes...He IS NOT CHECKING FOR YOU BOO. He could probably care less about who you are dating now. If he realized what he had, he would have stayed in that relationship with you. You will never be the right one to the wrong person. So stop accepting dates from random guys just so you feel better about yourself, and stop posting pictures on Instagram hoping that he will creep on your page and see how great your life is going without him. Speaking of social media, STOP GOING ON HIS PAGE. Unfollow him on all social media, and block him if you have to. Yes it’s that serious; your healing is at stake. Also, have your friends unfriend and unfollow him too because you don’t need them coming back to you reporting everything they see and we don’t need you grabbing their phone to creep on his page either. You will never be free from that man if you continue to concern yourself with his life. So delete his number and move on. It will take time to heal completely, but you are adding more time on that clock every time you click on his username so just stop it. Take control of your life and just hit delete on any and everything that bears his name.
Secondly, it may be time to stop listening to love songs and watching sad and/or romantic movies. OK, so some of you may think I’m taking it too far. What’s the matter with love songs right? I mean it’s not trap music. What’s the matter with romantic movies? At least it’s not murder and violence. Well 1 Corinthians 10:23 says this: All things are lawful for me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but all things edify not. Paul was trying to explain that although some things are not sinful, that does not mean that that thing is good for you; everything is not advantageous to your growth and your life in general. That is why it is so important to be led by the Holy Spirit in your everyday walk with Christ. He will tell you things you should do and things you shouldn’t. He will let you know if you should give something up or if you should do more of something. The more you listen and follow His leadings, the more He will lead and guide you. Likewise, the more you ignore Him, the more His voice will be suppressed and it will be harder for you to hear from Him. So about these love songs and movies….You have to be ever so careful about what you are letting into your ear gates and your eye gates. Proverbs 4:23 says ABOVE ALL guard your heart with all diligence for out of it flows the issues of life. I don’t know about ya’ll but if the Bible is saying ABOVE ALL that means it’s pretty important, and I need to pay attention. This verse is letting us know that we have to be diligent about what we are letting into our hearts or our spirits. How do we let things in? Through our ear and eye gates meaning what we listen to and what we watch on TV. It says for out of it flows the issue of life meaning there are things are coming out of us and manifesting in our lives and yet we are wondering where it is coming from not realizing it is coming from what we are letting get into our hearts through our ears and eyes. You have all types of anger issues, getting upset with someone out of nowhere, not realizing it’s because of that show you just watched. Or you’re all depressed and sad out of nowhere not realizing it’s because of that song you had on repeat the other day. Then you have the nerve to blame it on the devil. No boo some things we unknowingly bring on ourselves. You may think it’s not that serious but it really is. Every time we are listening and watching things especially repeatedly and over long periods of time, we are MEDITATING on those things and whatever goes in must come out. Listen, when I got this revelation I stopped listening to R&B and love songs. It would put me in all types of moods, sometimes sad and sometimes bringing me back to a particular relationship because it’s something about music that makes you all nostalgic. We remember certain seasons and situations in our lives based on the songs that were prevalent then or that we listened to the most or at a particular moment. These things are powerful ya’ll. I don’t even listen to too many love songs now that I am married, and if I do I am very selective. Why? Just sit and listen to some of these lyrics and you will understand where I am coming from. I know that my words are powerful and some of the things these songs are saying I just don’t want to be confessing over my life and my marriage. But anywho, that’s a whole nother topic for a different blog. Sis, just consider giving up that show or that album. If God is tugging on your heart right now pointing out something in particular just listen to Him. He’s only trying to set you up for success. Don’t harden your heart.
Next, focus on bettering yourself and doing things you are passionate about. One of the reasons I took this particular break-up so hard is because there were other things in my life that were going on at the time that was shaking up my entire word and life as I knew it. Specifically, I had just left law school after be led of the Lord to do so, leaving me feeling completely empty and worthless. I did not know who I was apart from this man and especially apart from my academic achievements. You see, I had not yet discovered my purpose and so every single ounce of worth and esteem I had was dependent upon superficial things. God had to literally strip me of everything in what I like to call my pruning season so that I could really become who I was in Him and not in anything or anyone else. He was then able to build me back up again with Christ as my solid foundation- a foundation which can never be shaken. Now my worth is not in a man, a career, my education, the clothes I wear or any of those silly, temporary, fleeting things. I said all that to say once you find out what you’re placed on this earth to do, once you figure out your passion and what God has gifted you with, pursue Him and pursue IT,and you will be consumed with so much joy and purpose, and fulfillment that you will not have time to waste tears over a man who probably never knew your worth in the first place.
Lastly, allow yourself TIME to get over the heartbreak. Some wounds honestly just need time to heal, but if you keep opening the wound and adding salt to it with some of the things I mentioned earlier you are just going to prolong the healing process which will prolong you being presented to the man God has selected just for you. Pray and worship your way through it. You will be surprised how small your problems become when you set an atmosphere of worship and truly encounter a BIG God.
Still Hidden in Him,