For almost 10 years I stayed in a relationship with a “good” guy. Well some of his actions may not have been good, but I know that deep down inside he was/is a good guy. One time, as he was leaving the grocery store, he saw an elderly woman putting her groceries in the car. He marched right over to that elderly woman, offered to help and tucked all of her groceries neatly in her trunk. He was always quick to give financially to someone in need, and he cared for his family with a passion that is hard to rival. Though tough on the outside, he had a tender heart that made him incredibly like-able.
When that relationship ended I started dating the quintessential good guy. This guy was in medical school, he was super smart and I don’t remember a time he ever told me no. That relationship didn’t last very long, but it did open me up to a different “type” of guy, and opened me up to the idea of dating certain men who prior to, would never have been an option.
Then there was the guy who proposed. He too was a good guy. He was a good mix of street and geek, he always took me on the best dates to explore the city I was new to, he dressed nicely, and he wasn’t bad to look at either. After just a few months of dating, during one of our city exploring dates, he got on one knee and proposed to me with a cute little antique ring. Initially, I said Yes. I mean what girl doesn't dream about that moment? The moment when a guy gets on one knee, professes his love for you, and asks you to spend the rest of your life with him? I said yes without actually giving it much thought, because after all he was a “good guy”, and I enjoyed spending time with him AND he treated me well. So why was I engaged all of 24 hours before I gave this man his ring back? Because while he may have been a good guy, he was not THEE guy.
Each one of the men I mentioned were “good guys”. But then again, I think as women, we always find the good in a guy. Maybe it’s the nurturing instinct in us, but you can always count on us to us pull goodness out of even the worst of people; it comes easy to us. But good is not good enough. Just because he is a good guy does not mean he is the guy for you. Oftentimes when women speak to me about a guy they are seeing, they preface the conversation by saying "he's such a good guy" then go on to talk about different ways that guy just isn’t giving them what they need in the relationship. Maybe they started out doing all the right things, but all of a sudden became cold and distant. Maybe they don’t hold the same spiritual beliefs. Maybe they anger easily or you notice they have a problem with lying. The truth is- there's a lot of "good guys" out there....ones who you will enjoy talking to who know how to carry on a good conversation, ones who are successful, ones who are charitable, ones who loves kids etc. The reality is however, if he isn't treating YOU the way you need to be treated or meeting your specific needs in a partner, you may have to pass. Sometimes we're just afraid of starting over or we think that we won't find anyone better. You don't have to compromise what you really desire for temporary or partial satisfaction...That's called settling. I’ve seen too many women give so many years of their life to a relationship with a good guy, only to be disappointed in the end- I've been down that road myself hoping and wishing that something would change. Now, that doesn’t mean that we look for perfection in a person because if that’s what you’re looking for then you will be looking forever. What it does mean, however, is that you set your standards (including some non-negotiables) and you stick to them. Sometimes it can be difficult to differentiate between someone who is just a good person and whether or not they’re actually good for you. To help with this I have two suggestions: 1. Know what you’re looking for and wait for that 2. Don’t do this dating thing by yourself: always be sensitive to the leading and guidance of the Holy Spirit. The next time you’re going back and forth about a guy in your head I challenge you to ask God His opinion. Then get quiet before Him and let Him speak to you. I promise if you ask, He will answer. Trust me, you will know when someone is worth your time your energy and your love if you stick to these two things.
I couldn’t exactly articulate back then why I gave that guy his ring back. The way I explained and rationalized it then was that I just knew he wasn’t the one. With time, however, growth and maturity has made it more clear to me why I said No. See back then I didn’t have very many standards- if you said you believe in God, you were physically appealing and you showed me any amount of attention then chances are I would entertain you. I guess after kissing enough frogs though, I decided that I wanted to date a little differently because obviously I was doing something wrong. I decided to take my own advice and let God into my dating life as well as stick to my standards. I learned that I didn’t have to be a serial dater. I didn’t have to say yes to every guy who looked good and showed me some attention. I knew I wasn’t going to “miss out” on the one. When I decided to do things a little differently that’s when all the good guys disappeared leaving room for my ONE to find me.
Sill Hidden in Him,