It has got to be one of the worst feelings in the entire world to discover the person you’ve invested so much time, energy and emotions into has been unfaithful to you. I honestly wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. And yet, the majority of us have have experienced the consequences of infidelity. It’s the reason why so many have trust issues, and can’t even fathom getting into another serious relationship let alone think about the prospect of marriage. Sure, it may be a deep desire, but it seems afar off with all the deep rooted hurt that’s still lingering inside. What I want you to understand though is the reason he cheated has nothing to do with you. It’s not because you wasn’t around enough. It’s not because she was better looking than you. It’s not because his needs weren’t being met or any other thing that you can think of or reason that he may have cited. Sure those may have been ancillary factors, but it was not the main reason or the root cause. The reason why men (or anyone for that matter) cheats is because they have the propensity to do so. You could be the most perfect girlfriend or wife on the planet. You can say all the right things, do all the right things and look amazing all the time, but that will only take you so far with a man who has not already learned to tame the beast. That's why I can’t understand when people say things like, “Well if Halle Berry got cheated on I know there’s no hope for me.” Stop it! Halle Berry is not the issue. Halle Berry’s choice of men may be the issue, but it’s not her. Just like a woman can never “steal” anybody’s man because a man goes willingly. Another party is not the cause of the infidelity, the man chose his own actions.
You will not be the deciding factor in whether or not your man is faithful. Now, don’t misunderstand what I am saying. There are factors that will affect the likelihood or imminence of unfaithfulness such as unmet needs and expectations or different temptations that may arise, but those are not deciding factors. How do I know that? Well, many relationships go through periods of unmet needs from their partner and many people are placed in tempting situations. Do all of them actually go ahead and cheat? Of course not. Does it mean that the people who do not cheat love their spouse more than the people who did? Maybe. But not absolutely, and certainly not in every case. Instead, I would argue that the men who do not cheat ultimately refrains from doing so because of this one word: COMMITMENT. Yes, they are committed to their wife and their family and they don’t want to mess that up, but ultimately they are committed to something bigger than themselves- and that’s God. They have done the necessary work to correct flaws in their flesh and in their character for the most part before getting into a relationship, and this helps them to be successful on their journey.
A person’s love for you will only be a part of the reason why they are faithful to you. Love for a person can only take you so far. People fall in and out of romantic love, but it’s their commitment to one another that will stand. If a person has not learned to keep it in his pants while single, he’s going to have a hard time keeping it in his pant while married. On the other hand if he has conquered that area in his singleness then chances are he will be successful when married. His allegiance is to something much higher than just his relationship with his spouse. My husband loves me, and he is dedicated to me, but the reason why we waited until marriage to have sex had very little to do with each other. Likewise, our decision to remain faithful to one another will mainly be because of our commitment to honor God. John tells me all the time that he loves me, cherishes me, and he honors me, but he honors and loves God first and foremost and therefore all of his decisions stem from that relationship. Hey, I can’t be mad at that. In fact, I prayed for a man like that. On my list of things I wanted in a man was “someone who loved God even more than he loves me.” Why? Because I know the implications of that. I understand that any man who could love God whom he has not seen and honor Him with his whole life and abstain from certain things because he does not want anything to hinder that relationship, certainly he is capable of loving me, his wife very well.
Christian men are not exempt from temptation. In fact, I would argue that they are probably tempted more than people in the world because the enemy wants to destroy godly marriages and godly men. That’s why when I hear about a scandal involving a pastor or well known gospel artist, although it hurts my heart, but I’m not really shocked. A person’s title as a Christian does not automatically give them a faithful card. They must buffet their own body like Paul said in 1 Corinthians 9:27, just like anyone else. They must learn to guard their eyes and their ears. They must learn to flee fornication and adultery. They must learn not to put fire to their bosom unless they intend on being burned (Proverbs 6:7). And these are all things that hopefully are mastered during their singleness.
I read a very interesting article the other day by a pastor I would consider to be super saved. He preaches truth and is radical for Christ so the first line of his article sort of caught me off guard. It read, “Lord please kill me before I cheat on my wife”. Gasp. You mean you actually had the potential to cheat on your wife? And you’re a Christian? And a pastor? He explained it’s a prayer he prayed many times when he was first married because he never wanted to bring shame to the church, and he knew “this potential for evil” was in him. His word, not mine. I found 2 things especially intriguing about his article. First, he didn’t say he prayed that prayer because he was so in love with his wife, and he never wanted to hurt her (although I’m sure those were some of his sentiments as well). Instead, he said he did not want to bring shame on the church. Secondly, he admitted he spent his single years battling for purity and often failing. Even describing the battle at times as “all-consuming”. This explains why he was praying that prayer so often in the beginning of his marriage, because it was a battle that was still waging in him. That’s where Jesus comes in. We cannot, conquer this area without Him. Sure, there’s a such thing as self discipline and willpower, however those are just short term remedies that cover up a deeper issue of lust. There is a grace that God wants to give us, and an anointing that He wants to use to empower us to a point of victory over these areas.
So what do I want you to get out of this article? Well, for those of you who may be hurting and still asking yourself why me, hopefully it freed you or gave you some sort of closure if you were still wondering why he cheated, and for others it’s so that you can be wise and discerning when choosing your mate. Ask questions like “Have you ever cheated on an ex before?” Not that you have to rule them out because people can change, but you would definitely want to dig a little more to see if that behavior has been corrected. Don’t be afraid to ask the hard questions. What’s his relationship with pornography? Has he been successful on his journey to abstain until marriage? Watch his social media habits. Does he guard his eyes from certain images of women?All of these things are key in the battle of sexual purity.
The truth is, the potential to cheat is in everyone because we are all human, and humanity is a fallen creation. However, purity begins in the heart, not the body, and the same thing that keeps a person pure in their singleness, is the same thing that will keep them pure in marriage. If they have not learned to be faithful to God, then they are going to have a hard time being faithful to another person. Be with someone who has built a strong foundation on the solid rock of Jesus, and then you won’t have to worry about trust issues. Why? Because your trust will not be in the man in the first place. Your trust will be in the God who is able to keep the both of you.
“Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy.” -Jude 1:24
Still Hidden in Him,