Let me clear something up right up front. A person is not pure just because they are a virgin or because they are waiting for marriage before sleeping with someone. Sure, that is a part of it, but purity involves much more than that. Purity is first, a posture of one’s heart. When your heart is pure, it affects your thoughts, your actions, the way you dress, the things you say, your behavior and so much more. I’ve encountered some virgins who have filthy mouths and vice versa. I’ve known people waiting to get married before having sex but they dress inappropriately and display their body for the world to see. And on the other hand there are people who are not waiting to have sex, yet they dress modestly. In order to be walking in purity, you want to aim for the entire package, not just apart of it. That is what God desires. When God gave us the Bible, He was well aware of the times we would be living in. He’s not shocked that people think nothing of casual sex with multiple partners. He’s not shocked that more and more people see nothing wrong with shacking up. He’s not shocked at all of the impurity and immorality that is going on around the world. Yet, He still calls us to be holy as He is Holy (1 Peter 1:15-17). He still expects us to present our bodies as a living sacrifice holy and acceptable unto Him. He still expects us to not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of our minds. (Romans 12:1-2). So while it may be challenging to do so, it’s not impossible with God’s grace. I know because I’ve been there. When I gave my life to God in February 2012 one of the first things I told God was that I was no longer going to sleep with any man who isn’t my husband. This came from the same girl who had came to church with the guy she had just slept with the night before. I wasn’t even sure if I could do it. I just knew that I wanted to give God all of me, not apart of me and that included surrendering this part of my life.
So when I got married to my husband in October 2015, I could honestly say that I kept my promise to God. I did not sleep with another man that was not my husband. Does that mean that my journey to getting there was perfect? Absolutely not. I came close on several occasions with different men, something that I’m not very proud of. BUT GOD. He still kept me, and it was because I had a willing heart to do things His way.
Wherever you are in your journey with purity is perfectly ok. You can be the girl who is thinking about it, but hasn’t quite started yet. You can be years into your journey. You could have messed up or whatever else. The point is, you’re here. And if you’re willing, you can have a testimony.
The Lord honors you when you honor Him
Let me tell you a little story. When John and I were still courting he was awarded with a trip to a Sandals resort in Jamaica through his job. I was all excited because he also had the option to bring someone with him so who else would he take besides ME his new fiancée right?! Wrong! We were quickly convicted. I thought it would be cool as long as he slept on the couch and let me sleep in the bed. NEGATIVE. It was as if the Lord was telling me to have a several seats. I knew that it was wrong, and the conviction only got stronger and stronger. So I reluctantly but willingly gave up a FREE trip to Jamaica. Did I mention it was all inclusive and everything was paid for including plane tickets? That one really hurt I'm not gonna lie. Nevertheless I sucked it up and just began to believe that God will reward us for our obedience. Not that he had to but Him being a good Father and me knowing His nature I began to stand on Mark 10:29-30 which basically says that anyone who gives up anything for Him will be rewarded 100 times over. (Paraphrasing. Just read it! Lol) Well do you know that by the time our honeymoon came around we had 2 free plane tickets to St. Lucia (worth over $2000) our entire honeymoon was paid for without any trouble thanks to people sowing seeds and giving to our registry. Let me tell you the funniest part of the whole thing. Our honeymoon was at a Sandals resort. Yes, the same type of resort that I had given up just months prior. We stayed in a top of the line villa with our own private pool on the balcony and our own butlers. But it doesn’t end there, we were also surprised with candlelight dinner on the beach which was gifted to us as well as a private transfer from the resort to the airport. We went on excursions, a helicopter ride, went to the spa TWICE and ate all the food our hearts desired. Not to mention I got to LEGALLY enjoy my HUSBAND. And as if that wasn’t enough, God decided to do exceeding abundantly. The very next year I got awarded with President's Club on my own job and we got a completely free trip to HAWAII. I can't make this stuff up guys. God is faithful and even if He didn't do any of those things I would still follow and obey Him because he is God. Our acts of obedience have a far greater reward than what we could ever imagine.
One of my favorite scriptures is Galatians 6:9. It says So let's not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up. So even if everyone around you decides to keep doing things their way. Even if the entire world thinks it’s not a big deal
It’s harder to let go in the event of a breakup
Let’s face it, break-ups happen more times than not, and when they do, it is usually not an easy thing to get over. Personally, I’ve had experience with break-ups on both sides of the fence (before fully coming to God and after). When I first got saved and really began living for God, one of the things I decided to do was abstain from sex before marriage. B.C. (before Christ), however I was obviously sexually active. In the relationship prior to living for Christ, I did the breaking up and the one since living for Christ, let’s just say it wasn’t my idea.
Anyway, the irony in the whole thing is that the breakup prior to living for Christ was MUCH harder than the one after. Now you may be thinking “that doesn’t make any sense. You wanted to break up with the first guy and not the second guy so how can that be?” Two words. Soul ties. When two people engage in the act of sex, it’s not as casual as we may think. Sex is a sacred act, and the deepest form of intimacy between two human beings. Now, the Bible does not mention the words soul ties, but there are several references to this occurrence. I must also mention that sex is not the only way to form soul ties. For example, a “soul tie” was formed between Jonathan and David in the context of friendship. “Now when he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.” (1 Samuel 18:1) For the sake of this blog, however, we will focus on soul ties in the context of sexual relationships.
The Hebrew word for sexual intimacy between a husband and wife is yada which literally means “to know deeply or intimately”. The same word yada is used to describe intimacy between us and God. For example Psalm 139:1 says “You have searched me and you know (yada) my heart”. Another example is found in Exodus 33:13 “Moses said to the Lord ‘If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may know (yada) you and continue to find favor with you.”
Isn’t that such a powerful picture of intimacy? When you look at it like that, it should make you not want to “yada” anyone person other than the man who has vowed to spend the rest of his life with you.
When referring to marriage, the Bible describes it as two becoming one. Mark 10:7 says “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” This speaks to the knitting or tying together of the two people sexually or carnally as well as in other ways including spiritually. This is why divorce can be so hard, it is literally a tearing or ripping of two people who have become one. So when we do this with people who we are not legally married to, the implications can be just a harsh.
There are so many emotions and feelings when you give your body away to a person in this manner. But it is also a very spiritual act.That’s why people slash tires, remain in toxic relationships for so long, and make complete fools out of themselves even when they know they deserve better. It’s why people try their hardest to let go of a man only to find themselves constantly drawn to them. It’s why people can sometimes find themselves acting like and taking on certain characteristics of the person they have been sleeping with. It’s not because they are crazy. It is because something else is going on, something much deeper and more spiritual than we realize. Many times people want to leave a relationship, but it’s extremely hard because of the bond and tie that was formed when that person decided to connect with the other person in such an intimate way. I know. I’ve been there.
Don’t get me wrong, when my post Christ breakup happened, I was still hurt. But the hurt didn’t last nearly as long or cut me nearly as deep as it did with my B.C. relationship. I was able to bounce back pretty quickly and without any lasting effects. With my B.C. boyfriend, I had given my body to him over and over again and so the bond was very strong. With my Post Christ relationship however, I had not given my body away in that way, so I was able to freely move on without any ties and therefore, no consequences.
Give that man something to work for
I’m sure we have all heard the old idiom “Why buy the whole cow when he can have the milk for free?” As cliché as it may sound, let me let you in on a little secret: IN MOST CASES IT’S TRUE! A guy isn’t going to commit if he is already getting all of the benefits he would have gotten had he made a REAL commitment, one that comes with a pretty diamond and a marriage certificate. Think about it, what reason does he have? You’re playing house together, probably cooking and cleaning, maybe even taking care of his kids, and most of all you’ve been intimate with him. So what’s left now? What real incentive does he now get by making you his wife?
A woman was meant to be pursued. Eve was formed from Adam because God noticed that it was “not good for man to be alone.” It was Adam’s desire to have a partner who he would now call “bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh”. Somewhere along the way, however the roles have been reversed and the instead of women knowing their worth and waiting to be pursued and desired, they have become the ones doing the pursuing and in the long run being left behind with nothing to show for it except a broken heart.
Have something to look forward to
If you’re like me, then you like surprises. If not, then at the very least, you like the feeling of expectation and having something to look forward to. It’s all innately in us. That’s why we hate it when someone tells us the end of a movie we’ve never even seen and it’s the same reason we log off of Facebook and all social media until we’ve caught up on the latest episode of our favorite show or the latest movie. It’s because we don’t want to see/hear the spoilers. We like the suspense. We like the build up to the grand finale. Well folks, in marriage that grand finale is sex. Just think about how much you and your partner will be in anticipation knowing you’ve never known each other in that way before. You sure would appreciate the act a whole lot more. I know I did. It’s exciting! If you deprive yourself for a while, the end result is sure to be worth the wait. Now I know what you’re thinking….”Shouldn’t you test drive a car before you actually purchase it?” (This was a real question I was asked when I was abstaining. #1 women and men are not vehicles. #2 If you honor God with your body and hold out ALL that time until marriage do you really think he would play you by giving you mediocre sex??? I don’t know about y’all but the God that I serve cares about EVERY single detail of my life, including my sex life. Trust me, you will not be disappointed.
Because God says so!!!
Ok, so you don’t care about suspense or you’re not worried about being hurt? Ok fine. What about hurting the heart of God? You say you love Him right? You say He’s a good God and He’s always blessing you, and you’re highly favored. Ok. Well if you love God, the Bible says that you will keep His commands (see John 14:15). I know what you’re thinking. You’re saying “Nobody lives like that anymore. That was back in the Bible days. This is 2018 and everyone is doing it. I have my needs.” Well just because the times have changed, doesn’t mean that God or His Word has changed. He is the same yesterday, today, and forevermore (Hebrews 13:8). We have to get to a place where we’re obeying what God and His Word says no matter what the rest of the world is doing. So what does God and His Word has to say about fornication or having sex before marriage? Well, a lot actually. In fact, the Bible says that sexual immorality is the only sin that a person commits against their own body; every other sin is outside the body. See below for just a few scriptures on the subject.
Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. -1 Corinthians 6:18-20
For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor. -1 Thessalonians 4:3-4
But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.” –Revelation 21:8
So the point of this is not for anyone to fall into condemnation. That’s not what God wants for your life. 1 John 1:9 says: If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. The point is to get you to think differently because right thinking produces right actions. From my experience, if God is trying to change something in you, that means He is trying to bless your life.
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Romans 12:2) You’re not gonna be able to do this by yourself. If you try, trust me, you will fail. Instead, if you really want to make an honest attempt at change in your life and doing God’s will, you have to lean on God to help you for his grace I sufficient. Listen God is not a schizophrenic God. He’s not crazy, He’s not trying to trip you up, and He’s not trying to put any unreasonable, ridiculous standard on you. If He put it in His Word, that means He knows that you can do it. Not that you can do it on your own, but with His help of course. Trust me there are many people doing marriage the right way, God’s way. That means remaining pure and abstaining from sexual activity until they are married. Yes MEN and women. You just rarely hear about that because the media would never glorify anything like that. I never thought I would be able to do it either, but it’s amazing what you CAN do when you sincerely want to and lean on God for help. He will honor that. If you want some tips on how to wait, I wrote about it here.
Still Hidden in Him,